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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Sometimes I Run from my Demons

This is going to be difficult post to write. During my runs, I usually reflect on what is going with my life and my with my family's life. Lately, I have been ruminating about where I am in life and how my past decisions got me here.
There are many reasons why I run. One of them is that I almost never have been successful in anything I have ever done for myself. It took me more than four years to finish my Bachelor of Arts Degree with only one class left to complete. After I finished my Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology, I slaved away at years of unpaid internships to obtain my Marriage and Family Therapy license only to stop short of a few hundred hours to licensure.
Last year, I enrolled in an online college to earn my credential to teach special education. I have passed most of my classes and yet I had failed to finish some of them. I have yet to enroll again and finish what I had started. Now I am working as an instructional assistant and quite honestly not feeling fullfilled with my job. I earn the same amount of money as someone who has not graduated college.
I seem to know how to sabotage any chance of success that I may have. This includes even my interpersonal relationships. I tend to hurt the people I should care about the most.
Running has become for me a means to meet a goal I have never yet in other aspects of my life. Yes, I know it seems that I am putting more meaning into my running than I should, but sometimes I feel that it is the only good thing that I have going to for me. Every step, every mile and every finish line has become to me a symbol of my own achivement.
Running is something that no one can take away from me. No one pushed me into it, no has any expectations from me, and no one else can accomplish this but me. So far, I have accomplished more than I expected of myself.
Yes, I do run from my own demons. Sometimes they chase me like a sonofabitch. I am getting faster, I am getting stronger. I know I will out run them. I know I will persevere.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I swear we were made from the same fabric! OMG! My BA took forever, I got my Masters as an MFT, and I'm taking classes here and there working in my same job (that I hate) because I can't afford to take a pay cut. I haven't done internship hours since last year, I suppose.